Four Things You Should Understand About Interracial Dating

Fifty years after Richard and Mildred Loving took on America’s miscegenation laws, couples of different racial backgrounds no longer have to hide their relationships. That is real progress, but it does not mean the conversation is finished.

These are four things worth understanding about interracial dating today.

1. It is not only black and white

Most of the talk about interracial couples focuses on black and white pairings: a white man with a black woman, or a black man with a white woman. Those are the couples we see most often on screen.

But the interracial dating world is much wider than that. It includes Asian and black couples, Latino and white couples, mixed-race partners, and same-sex couples of different backgrounds. Some couples do not “look” interracial at all, because one partner is mixed race and is read as a different ethnicity than the one they actually belong to.

If your idea of interracial dating starts and ends with black and white, you are missing most of it.

2. It is not about sex

A surprising number of questions aimed at interracial couples are really about sex. Are black women more adventurous? Are Asian women more reserved? Who is better in bed?

Questions like these repeat racial stereotypes, whether or not the person asking believes them. They also turn a relationship into a curiosity. Sex can matter in any relationship, but it is not the reason a couple builds a life together, and it should not be the reason you choose a partner.

3. Being in an interracial relationship does not mean racism is solved

Some people treat every interracial couple as proof that prejudice is over. It is a nice thought, and it is not quite true.

Dating outside your race says something about you: that you are open, and that you are willing to look past the line everyone else draws. It does not fix the wider problem. The steady rise in interracial relationships shows that attitudes have shifted, but there is still a long way to go.

It is fine for interracial couples to talk about that honestly. Pretending race never matters does not help anyone.

4. There is a fine line between admiration and fetishization

There is nothing wrong with being drawn to someone because of where they come from: their language, their food, their family, the way they see the world. Curiosity is natural, and it is often what starts the conversation.

The problem starts when a person is reduced to a category. If you are interested in Asian women because they are “supposed to be” gentle, or black women because of a stereotype about their bodies, you are not seeing a person. You are collecting a type.

Stereotypes like these turn people into objects, and they are just as damaging when they sound like a compliment.

The best thing about an interracial relationship is the simplest thing about any relationship: the chance to learn from someone who grew up differently from you, and to grow because of it.